Rant: Naughty Google!

It appears the boys at Google are ‘leading the witness’.

Does size matter? 

Often perceived as a cheeky question, but I’m sure in this literary arena you’ll all immediately know I’m talking about word count.

At 606 words this post is a bit of a titch, but I think it has a solid message as its heart and upon discovering this phenomenal Google finding, I’m so desperate to share it with you rather than try to inflate it into a chubby, so here goes…

During yet another menopausal hot flush…

I couldn't help but wonder if there was an upside to all this sweating, perhaps my body was burning calories as it turned up the heat? I wondered how many calories specifically, so, as ever, I asked Google.

Me: "how many calories do you burn during a hot flush?"

Google: “Hot flashes do not burn calories… for that, you'll need to hit the gym or otherwise get moving."

WTF? That was the No.1 answer! 

Well Google, I can't help thinking that my question was asking for a number, not additional lifestyle or weight loss advice!?

Intrigued by this response, I tried some more random search terms that wouldn't inform Google that I might be a dizzy menopausal woman…

Me: "how many calories are you consuming when you lick a stamp?

The answers came back at somewhere between 0.1 and 5.9 calories, and none of them advised me to take up pilates or eat less cake.

Me: "how many calories do you burn during a blow job?"

Google: 100 calories for every 30 minutes

Seriously?! 

I shit you not.

Let’s take a little pause here and workshop this answer before proceeding, as it will have split you into two groups.

Those who immediately thought "if I can spin it out for an hour, then I can have a bag of Monster Munch and a Hobnob", and those who thought "it's a helluva faff for half a Ryvita".

Why oh why did Google serve this number up in a block of 30 minutes, in real terms that’s about as useful as a metre of penis.

Did it think that if it had presented the information as 'from 15 calories per blowie' less of us would be likely to give it a go?!

I think perhaps Google was 'leading the witness your honour', and trying to dress up the activity as somehow part of a fitness regime akin to Zumba or planking.

Let's get back on track… hot flushes… how many calories…

I delved deeper into Google and it really was a mixed bag. Some said absolutely no calories are burned, some say some, and those that did, overwhelmingly pointed out that 'it wasn't many'… so best not bother your pretty little head about it… love.

However, everyone does agree that they temporarily increase metabolism. And also agree that an increased metabolism increases the rate at which we burn calories and therefore HOT FLUSHES BURN CALORIES!!!!!

Science bit: I did eventually manage to find a handy table, so you can work out roughly how many calories are burned depending on their duration and your weight.

In essence, if you weigh 175lbs/80kg and your hot flushes last about 2.5 minutes, each one will burn 8.5 calories. So go ahead, and have a Hobnob on me! 

You're welcome.

K8x

Disclaimer: no blow jobs were performed during the production of this post, however nine hot flushes were endured, so I'm off to eat half a Wagon Wheel. Yay!