The Henchman’s Handbook

Chapter 2 – Operational procedures

Introduction

It appears some people are struggling to find a copy of The Henchman’s Handbook that I referenced in the The Gentlemen Review. 

This is mainly due to it being fictitious, but let’s not let that tiny detail ruin a great concept.

Here for your clarity is Chapter 2 in full…

The Henchman’s Handbook

Chapter 2 – Operational procedures 

Welcome to your new role, we hope you settle in quickly and are dispensing with targets in no time.

The Henchman’s role is one of support to the Boss, you will be his eyes, ears, nose and fists over the coming months.

As a Henchman you will be privy to a large amount of sensitive information and must remember the terms of your Non-Disclosure Agreement (NDA) at all times.

Loose lips sink ships.

Or ‘if in doubt, keep schtum’. 

It is your job to do the Boss’s dirty work, which includes, but is not limited to:

1. Killing, maiming and kidnapping.

2. Loading and unloading the dishwasher.

3. Putting the bins out, including the one marked ‘digits’.

4. Switching broadband provider.

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Steady and silent

When sneaking up on a victim, a Henchman must never give away his hiding place, follow these practices to prevent you from being discovered. 

However tempting, the following actions must be avoided at all costs:

1. Never inadvertently say ‘Bless you!’ if someone in the vicinity sneezes.

2. If hiding in a domestic dwelling, refrain from joining in with the clapping during the Friends TV Series opening titles.

3. If hiding in a pub, do not cheer if a glass is broken.

4. Squeaky or click-clacky shoes should never be worn, silent shoes only.
   Important note: Henchmen DO NOT wear Crocs.

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The Correct Beating Procedure

Punching, kicking, slapping, smashing, thumping, knocking, cuffing, battering, biffing, walloping and whacking. 

Call it what you will, these are the Henchman’s tools of the trade, as ever, there is a right and a wrong way to execute a ‘right seeing to’.

Pre-Beating

You will frequently be asked to ‘beat the living shit’ out of a target, always utilise the PANTS code:

1. Privacy – ensure the situation is private, where possible, away from the general public.

2. Always – wear sunglasses, for anonymity and to look cool.

3. Never – chit chat about the weather or Married at First Sight.

4. Toothy grin – if you can team this with a whiff of insanity, so much the better.

5. Sayonara – utter a cute goodbye just before the final blow, always accompanied by menace. ‘Toodles’ is totally unacceptable.

Post-Beating

Once the target lay bleeding excessively, (we advise at least five extra blows than is strictly necessary, to ensure complete success), then execute the SHITE procedure:

1. Strap their hands together.

2. Haul them into the back of your car.

3. Interrogate them one last time, then tape mouth shut.

4. Thether something heavy to their feet.

5. End their life, by shoving them off a cliff or throwing them in the river. An out of order lift shaft may also be used in exceptional circumstances.

Special note: If an apology needs to be delivered to a 3rd Party pre-death, under NO circumstances haul them out into a street-facing, central London doorway, for any passer-by to gawp at. This could lead to further enquiries and unwanted attention.

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Never complain and never explain

Like the late Queen of England, your motto is ‘Never complain, never explain’, just get on with it.

This includes, but is not limited to:

1. Always look angry and menacing… even when you’re having a bad hair day.

2. Always wear clothes exactly one size too small for you, to give the appearance of a muscular frame, and to keep you uncomfortable, which helps with point 1.

3. Speak only when spoken to. We will not tolerate light enquiries as to whether we all had a good weekend on a Monday morning.

4. Knocking off early on a Friday is unacceptable, even on a Bank Holiday, unless the context of ‘knocking off’ is ending someone’s life, in which case it is to be encouraged at all times of the week.

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Maintain menace at all times

You must maintain an air of menace at all times. 

You must never look:

1. Approachable

2. Kindly

3. Like someone’s favourite Uncle

4. Into the middle distance wistfully

Under no circumstances must you be seen in the following:

1. Hobbycraft

2. Marks & Spencer (except the food hall)

3. Any Center Parcs Subtropical Swimming Paradise

4. Slingbacks

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Develop a signature weapon

You will be encouraged to develop your own unique signature weapon, like Oddjob’s razor-edged Bowler Hat or Rosa Klebb’s dagger shoes.

Development workshops are held every third Thursday of the month at The Laughing Carnivore butcher’s shop.

Participants are encouraged to really let their creativity loose and discover the true effectiveness of their latest creations. Be bold and inventive!

Please arrive 30 minutes early to complete the somewhat lengthy Liability Waiver.

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Queries and concerns?

If you have any queries and/or concerns please contact your HR representative, they will be more than happy to help.

Remember, there are no stupid questions, only stupid people.

I hope that’s cleared up any outstanding points.

You’re welcome!

K8x

Join in the comments below:

What fictitious handbook would you like to exist?

Have you ever thought about becoming a Henchman?

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