The Henchman’s Handbook
Chapter 2 – Operational procedures
Introduction
It appears some people are struggling to find a copy of The Henchman’s Handbook that I referenced in the The Gentlemen Review.
This is mainly due to it being fictitious, but let’s not let that tiny detail ruin a great concept.
Here for your clarity is Chapter 2 in full…
The Henchman’s Handbook
Chapter 2 – Operational procedures
Welcome to your new role, we hope you settle in quickly and are dispensing with targets in no time.
The Henchman’s role is one of support to the Boss, you will be his eyes, ears, nose and fists over the coming months.
As a Henchman you will be privy to a large amount of sensitive information and must remember the terms of your Non-Disclosure Agreement (NDA) at all times.
Loose lips sink ships.
Or ‘if in doubt, keep schtum’.
It is your job to do the Boss’s dirty work, which includes, but is not limited to:
Killing, maiming and kidnapping.
Loading and unloading the dishwasher.
Putting the bins out, including the one marked ‘digits’.
Switching broadband provider.
Steady and silent
When sneaking up on a victim, a Henchman must never give away his hiding place, follow these practices to prevent you from being discovered.
However tempting, the following actions must be avoided at all costs:
Never inadvertently say ‘Bless you!’ if someone in the vicinity sneezes.
If hiding in a domestic dwelling, refrain from joining in with the clapping during the Friends TV Series opening titles.
If hiding in a pub, do not cheer if a glass is broken.
Squeaky or click-clacky shoes should never be worn, silent shoes only.
Important note: Henchmen DO NOT wear Crocs.
The Correct Beating Procedure
Punching, kicking, slapping, smashing, thumping, knocking, cuffing, battering, biffing, walloping and whacking.
Call it what you will, these are the Henchman’s tools of the trade, as ever, there is a right and a wrong way to execute a ‘right seeing to’.
Pre-Beating
You will frequently be asked to ‘beat the living shit’ out of a target, always utilise the PANTS code:
Privacy – ensure the situation is private, where possible, away from the general public.
Always – wear sunglasses, for anonymity and to look cool.
Never – chit chat about the weather or Married at First Sight.
Toothy grin – if you can team this with a whiff of insanity, so much the better.
Sayonara – utter a cute goodbye just before the final blow, always accompanied by menace. ‘Toodles’ is totally unacceptable.
Post-Beating
Once the target lay bleeding excessively, (we advise at least five extra blows than is strictly necessary, to ensure complete success), then execute the SHITE procedure:
Strap their hands together.
Haul them into the back of your car.
Interrogate them one last time, then tape mouth shut.
Thether something heavy to their feet.
End their life, by shoving them off a cliff or throwing them in the river. An out of order lift shaft may also be used in exceptional circumstances.
Special note: If an apology needs to be delivered to a 3rd Party pre-death, under NO circumstances haul them out into a street-facing, central London doorway, for any passer-by to gawp at. This could lead to further enquiries and unwanted attention.
Never complain and never explain
Like the late Queen of England, your motto is ‘Never complain, never explain’, just get on with it.
This includes, but is not limited to:
Always look angry and menacing… even when you’re having a bad hair day.
Always wear clothes exactly one size too small for you, to give the appearance of a muscular frame, and to keep you uncomfortable, which helps with point 1.
Speak only when spoken to. We will not tolerate light enquiries as to whether we all had a good weekend on a Monday morning.
Knocking off early on a Friday is unacceptable, even on a Bank Holiday, unless the context of ‘knocking off’ is ending someone’s life, in which case it is to be encouraged at all times of the week.
Maintain menace at all times
You must maintain an air of menace at all times.
You must never look:
Approachable
Kindly
Like someone’s favourite Uncle
Into the middle distance wistfully
Under no circumstances must you be seen in the following:
Hobbycraft
Marks & Spencer (except the food hall)
Any Center Parcs Subtropical Swimming Paradise
Slingbacks
Develop a signature weapon
You will be encouraged to develop your own unique signature weapon, like Oddjob’s razor-edged Bowler Hat or Rosa Klebb’s dagger shoes.
Development workshops are held every third Thursday of the month at The Laughing Carnivore butcher’s shop.
Participants are encouraged to really let their creativity loose and discover the true effectiveness of their latest creations. Be bold and inventive!
Please arrive 30 minutes early to complete the somewhat lengthy Liability Waiver.
Queries and concerns?
If you have any queries and/or concerns please contact your HR representative, they will be more than happy to help.
Remember, there are no stupid questions, only stupid people.
I hope that’s cleared up any outstanding points.
You’re welcome!
K8x
Join in the comments below:
What fictitious handbook would you like to exist?
Have you ever thought about becoming a Henchman?
Thank you for being here, please ❤️ (below) if you enjoyed this piece, it really helps others find it.
The Ultimate Social Dilemma
If you’re new here, a big welcome to you!
What fictitious handbook would you like to exist? How To Spy Like James Bond
Have you ever thought about becoming a Henchman? I have not. But after reading this, I may consider it. Where can I read Chapter 1? Did I miss it?
Also, ditto to what @SandraSerrano said. Write it and readers will come. :)
1. If you don't pen this masterpiece cover to cover, you might as well have missed out on your true destiny. And once it's done, sell it to me. I promise to give it a loving home, filled with dog-eared pages and coffee stains.
2. Before stumbling upon this henchman's handbook, I never imagined a career path involving henching (is that even a word?). But with these step-by-step instructions, I'm starting to think we're all unwitting henchmen, just pawns in our boss's elaborate game of office politics. 🤔