New biz idea: KittenAir

Transforming the world of ‘calm’ air travel.

I was chatting with a cat breeder shortly after covid had died down and she was telling me that her latest litter was proving unusually tricky to find homes for. We agreed this was probably due to the glut of pets that were procured during the pandemic, which had lessened the overall demand.

However, she did say she was getting a lot of enquiries from outside of the UK, but wasn't keen on shipping the kittens out to the buyers. They may not like being in a travel box, isolated down in the hold, all frightened and lonely. 

Which got me to thinking…

… wouldn’t it be awesome if kittens were incorporated into the entertainment offered on flights? Particularly for nervous passengers – a couple of kittens to pet would calm them right down surely?

I personally couldn't think of anything more entertaining than having a kitten or two to pet during a flight. The sight of their little bobbing heads emerging from the trolley drawer as the Stewardess proffers: 

"Tabby or ginger Sir?"

In the same bored tone usually reserved for "Chicken or Beef?"

And just like a normal flight when you have to endure the shocking lack of chicken by Row 5 (how is that even possible?!).

She might occasionally say: "I'm sorry Sir, we've only got tortoises left."

Can you imagine the scale of disappointment that phrase would trigger!?

Maybe to save on service time the kittens could be pre-loaded into a little compartment below the in-seat telly. Imagine the wonder of popping down your tray-table to find an impossibly cute British Blue staring, wide-eyed back at you! 

At last, a harmless use for AI, thank you Gencraft for the images in this post.

This would surely over excite any children aboard once discovered…

"Mum, check your kitten compartment! What do you have?" 

"A Siamese! Too cute!"

"Dad! What about you?"

"Tortoise."

Of course, just like those lovely blankets they hand out, there would be a huge temptation to just pop your kitten into your hand luggage and snaffle it home with you.

As a precaution, I would suggest they take a leaf out of The Ivy's napkin ring strategy and print 'Stolen from KittenAir' on the inside of their collars.

Let's face it, if you had a choice of booking a flight with BoringAir or KittenAir, which one would it be? No contest. It's kittens all the way!

The best news of all is that the domain KittenAir.com has already been purchased! Yes! Someone is working on this concept already! Hoorah! I urge you, like me, to change your browser home screen to this so we can book our seats the moment they release the first batch of flights!

I'm very much enjoying the thought that right now there could be men standing around in white coats and clipboards measuring the slide-ability of different tray table surfaces during simulated turbulence.

I suspect they may also be checking to see which breed moults the least. We can't have the air filters all clogged up with cat hair. And without even setting foot in the lab I think we can all agree that long-haired cats would be an absolute no no. Cat hair tumble-weed breezing up and down the aisles would not be great, especially for those with an allergy.

Perhaps the aircraft could be divided up into Kitten and Non-Kitten sections? Sound familiar? It does seem hard to imagine that up until the year 2000¹ it was totally possible to light your own little fire stick and then exhale cancerous fumes inside an aeroplane. What could be more ludicrous?

"Kitten or puppy Sir?"

It's not just air travel that could be enhanced by a cluster (?) huddle (?) fluffcloud of kittens. kalmkittens.com (still available, hurry!) could deploy a special ops force to diffuse even the tensest of situations.

"Children stuck on a rollercoaster you say? Will be stuck up there for a few hours? … That would call for the Super Platinum Fluffcloud, which deploys immediately!"

Perhaps also for delivering bad news, they could help calm the recipient down.

"So Harrison, we need to make some cuts here at Big Corp", he gently suggested whilst pulling open a drawer of KalmKittens™. 

Need I say more. I think you'll agree this is a billion dollar opportunity!

You can have the ideas above for free, in exchange for an invite to the launch party!

You’re welcome.

K8x

Disclaimer: rest assured no real or imaginary kittens were harmed during the making of this piece. However, one tortoise was drop-kicked between aisles 17 and 28 during the test flight, but only sustained minor injuries.

™ = Totally Mesmerizing

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1. In 1988, airlines based in the United States banned smoking on domestic flights of less than two hours, which was extended to domestic flights of less than six hours in February 1990, and to all domestic and international flights in 2000.