New biz idea: The Ambush 5000

With Positivatron™ expansion pack (hopefully) coming soon!

Attention all you Tech Bros!

I have a breathtaking new business idea for you, which you can have for free¹, because I can’t be arsed to develop it. The technology already exists, so someone else has done the heavy lifting, you just need to knit it all together! 

The sales pitch

Picture the scene… you’re standing in a large electrical store eyeing up a sleek new piece of kit… enter stage left, the salesman:

Salesman: I see you could stand to lose a few pounds, tempted by the Ambush 5000?

You: Well yes! It says I can improve my fitness in only three minutes a day! I’m a raging slacker so this sounds perfect!

Salesman: Is that burger relish on your beard?

You: Ah yes, (wiping) gone now?

Salesman: Yep. Soooo, you’re looking to improve your fitness but can’t be arsed with more than one minute of effort three times a day?

You: Yep!

Salesman: Would you also like a general increase in happiness by nurturing your relationships? If so, perhaps you’d like to add on the Positivatron™ pack?

You: That sounds amazing, I’m a shockingly bad communicator, no wonder my friendships are all hanging by a thread! 

Salesman: Great stuff Sir, step this way!

Simple as that! 

Let’s get into the detail… 

The original idea for the Ambush 5000

It’s January, a time of fresh starts and false promises. 

I was reading yet another article about how you can stealthily incorporate exercise into your day, and it was a full three minutes before I realised that squeezing a yoga mat into the space between my bath, the loo and the wall, was in fact a ridiculous notion… when I had my Eureka moment!

Instead of building in a one minute plank (optional head in loo) in between brushing your teeth and doing your hair each morning, why not have a super-encouraging Alexa-type gadget barking random instructions at you at random times of the day!

If you didn’t know when and where it might happen, then you don’t have to go to all the trouble of:

1. Dreading it.

2. Avoiding it.

3. Remembering to do it.

4. Forgetting to do it.

5. Feeling bad about not doing it when you’re supposed to.

6. Making up excuses (to yourself) for not doing it.

7. Pretending (to yourself) to be too busy to do it.

8. Feigning injury (to yourself) so unable to do it. 

That’s a lot of effort, I think we can all agree.

So instead, if it was sprung on you, ambush style, you might actually not think about it, just do it and move on.

My point is, are you more likely to do, let’s say, a one minute plank if Alfonso² randomly instructed you to do it, as you were walking past in the kitchen, than if it was meant to be part of your daily routine?

Oh and there’s a time pressure… 

Alfonso: 1 minute plank, starting in 3-2-1…

And a reward of ‘points/diamonds/gems’ if you complete it, the whole thing would be gamified so you could compete with other members of the household or friends in other houses.

The science bit

Research suggests that doing three one-minute bursts of intense physical activity every day can reduce your risk of death.

Obviously everyone starts from a different fitness level, but let’s face it, this type of cheaty-exercise is going to appeal more to the lazy-arsed amongst us than the gym-bunnies, so the upward health benefits could be sizeable. No one is ever going to change their mind about doing that Ironman in favour of a few jumping jacks while waiting for their toast.

But a few daily jumping jacks, squats and press ups is better than none and that’s my point.

Gratuitous image of a super-fit guy exercising in the kitchen to prove, without doubt, it’s possible to get a 6-pack while boiling an egg.

The tech stack

So what I’m thinking is, there would be various sensors around the home that could be triggered by people moving about, but not always triggered obviously, surprise is very much the key element here.

For example, one time out of ten Alfonso might ask you at the top of the stairs to ‘Go back down and up again for 30 seconds and earn 10 diamonds!’.

Perhaps there is a total target number of diamonds to collect each day, and collectively the household has to work together to achieve them, to form a streak! 

Aha! A streak! I think we’ve just ensured an extra $5 million of investor funding with that little word!!!

Perhaps families would start humble bragging about it:

Yeah, sure, we’ve been training with Alfonso for a couple of months now, that level 32 was a killer, I nearly put my back out!

Obviously if a task is triggered and no one responds to it, then points are deducted from the daily total. Although this may encourage foul play, as the lazy-arsed inhabitants come up with ingenious ways to move about the house without triggering Alfonso.  

A man dressed in white, crawling on white tiles, in the hope of ducking out of 30 seconds of rigorous exercise.

Or perhaps it would be a FitBit type of wristband so it could give you random instructions whilst out and about. People in supermarkets and walking along High Streets would sporadically burst into exercise, seemingly for no reason.

There could be a Zoom pack, so entire virtual meetings could stop for 30 seconds whilst everyone does a few lunges. This would also improve team spirit as everyone unites against Alfonso, the common enemy.

The Positivatron™ expansion pack

Voiced by the friendly and approachable Alice, the Positivatron™ could prompt you to action small tasks to enhance your relationships and therefore improve your general happiness and well-being:

• Contact a friend you haven’t seen in over a month and arrange a meet-up.

• Phone a family member just for a chat.

• Send someone a thank you card.

• Give some money to charity.

• Start a conversation with a stranger.

Blimey this has gone a bit earnest… back to the nonsense…

Other models in the range: The FashionPolice365

Voiced by fashionista Allegra, this device would scan you before leaving the house to ensure no fashion faux pas were committed, a typical conversation might be:

Allegra: Where do you think you’re going looking like that?

You: Like what?

Allegra: I thought we’d discussed not teaming over-sized accessories with bold prints?

You: But…

Allegra: I realise they were a birthday gift but, why don’t you pop back upstairs and rethink those earrings? And while we’re on the subject where did those shoes come from? Did you sneak them in during my battery change???

You get the idea!

I’m looking forward to the launch party already.

You’re welcome.

K8x.

™ = Totally Meaningless

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1. I do want an invite to the launch party though!

2. This is Alexa’s much sexier, less naggy brother, who unlike her, we don’t all hate.
Fun fact: try as you might, it is impossible to embroil Alexa in an argument with Apple’s Siri. It turns out they both speak very highly of each other. That’s two hours of my life I’ll never get back.